I have too many friends on my Facebook. I have decided to get rid of 10 of them. I have compiled a list of names of the people I have deleted from my friend list and the reasons that each one of them were deleted.
I present to you...
THE FACEBOOK FRIENDS OF SHAME
Ashley Rossy
· How I know her: Friend of a friend
· Reason for deletion: Too depressed about life
Here is one of Ashley's recent status updates:
Ashley Rossy Im sorry..Im sorry for it all.
Ashley, please, that's not my problem. I don't know what you're sorry about, but it's making me depressed. Ashley, you're gone. Thanks for playing!!! We enjoyed you on the show!!!!
Goldie Locks
· How I know her: No idea
· Reason for deletion: Being too hot
Goldie Locks, when I log on Facebook, I see the smoking hot modeling pictures that you have posted. I log onto Facebook to socialize with my friends. I don't want to have to bite my fist every time I look at my news feed. I go to the bathroom enough already. This is going to be very hard for me. But I have to say goodbye. Unless you want to call me sometime or something. Maybe we can work this out. Dammit, no. I can't do this anymore. Goodbye.
Jenn Connor
· How I know her: Former coworker
· Reason for deletion: Excessive pregnancy
Okay, Jenn, let me just be honest with you. The first baby was a mistake. And now a second baby? Good Lord. I would call child services, but for now Ill just delete you as a friend.
Elaine Metz
· How I know her: Former coworker
· Reason for deletion: Too old to be on Facebook
Elaine, you are a sweet old lady, but you're older than most trees. You need to get off Facebook.
Here is part of one of her recent status updates:
Elaine Metz Ate lunch outside on the pier watching the sea gulls and ibis.
Good God. Is that what retired people do? Watch sea gulls? And what the hell is an ibis? You have been deleted as my Facebook friend until further notice. Or at least until you stop being old.
Erin E Shizzle Shanes
· How I know her: Friend of an ex girlfriend of a friend
· Reason for deletion: Awful nickname
E Shizzle, every time I see your nickname come across my news feed, it makes me want to stab myself in the soul. I hate to be mean, but I'm going to have to go ahead and be mean. Your nickname is garbage. Having you as a friend reflects poorly against me. E Shizzle, get the hell out.
Alexis Pierce
· How I know her: Daughter of former boss
· Reason for deletion: Too young to be on Facebook
Lexi is 10 years old. I accepted you as a friend because I felt bad saying no to a 10 year old. But from the moment I accepted you as a friend I've been scared that the cops are going to come to my house.
Here is what Lexi recently wrote on my wall:
Alexis Pierce quack...quack...chicke...chicke...kitty...kitty...meow...meow...!!!!!!!!!! smile
I just don't really know how to respond to that. Being Facebook friends with a 10 year old isn't morally acceptable on any level. Sorry Lexi, but I have to cut you loose.
Ahmet Cuneyt Yilmazer
· How I know him: Former coworker
· Status update:
Ahmet Cuneyt Yilmazer yasamak...tek marifetiniz, biraz ozen gosteriniz...
Okay, No.
Charles David Martin
· How I know him: Former coworker
· Reason for deletion: Creeper
A long time ago, he tried to convince me to send him a picture of my wiener. I am not making that up. Why did I ever accept him as a Facebook friend in the first place? That is a fantastic question. It's time to correct that mistake. Hey Charles, good luck finding wiener shots. With this deletion, Im giving new meaning to the phrase cock block.
Sue Palmer
· How I know her: Mother
· Reason for deletion: Being my mother
Sue, I hate to do this to you. But you're my mom. And I don't feel comfortable having you as a Facebook friend. Plus, do you even know how to use Facebook? Have Dad show you or something. No, nevermind, Dad doesn't know how to use it either. I still love you as a mother, but as a Facebook friend, you're dead to me.
Mom, you're done. Get out.
Thank you for reading The Facebook Friends of Shame. Be careful. You're probably next. |
