Open Letter to the Heckler in the Balcony 8/19/2010 at Hilarities 4th Street Theater

Bill Squire
08/20/2010

NOTE: When this incident occurred I was near the end of my set and I didnt want to attack anyone in the crowd because there was a large number of corporate groups at the show on this night. I like this club and didnt want them to get complaints so I was pretty easy on him. The heckler had yelled out maybe two times during my set and I asked him to shut his trap because he was a real loudmouth I then promised everyone in the crowd I would post my real thoughts about this heckler on my website for all to enjoy. That is the letter which is below.

Dear Heckler in the Balcony 8/19/2010 at Hilarities 4th Street Theater,

Last night when you were yelling out I am sure you were drunk and for some reason you think that what you had to say would some how help the show. It didnt and never will. I will admit sometimes some clever albeit unnecessary comment will be made by an audience member and that can add a laugh to a show but this is rare and it almost never happens and is still completely and totally shitty to do but I will let it slide if it makes me laugh.

Your comments however were complete and total dog shit and I hope at this very moment you are waking up to the horrible realization that you are not only a terrible person but an unwanted soul. I would advise you to take a deep hard look at your life and figure out a way to erase it. I do not mean for you to just kill yourself (although that is definitely an option so keep an open mind) but for you to go about making amends to all the people that have ever known you and apologizing to them for existing for there is no doubt in my mind you have never once in your time on this earth made anyones life better.

Every single person that has come in contact with you hates you. I mean all of them. Your friends are not friends none of them want to be around you. The only reason they spend time with you is because you make every second they arent around you glorious. They feel like they are on the best heroin high of all time when you arent around. They return to your presence only momentarily as a reminder of what hell can be and as they leave you behind each time they have a renewed sense of being and purpose.

Your wife (God rest her soul) was so tortured by your existence that while pregnant with your child she took both her life and the babies life to make sure none of your reprehensible genetics were ever reproduced.

The list of lives youve wrecked is innumerable, you are a plague of a human being and should be expunged from the cosmos. Your mother being the vile cunt of a woman she was had no love in her heart for you. She only used you as a way to whore herself upon the world. I am impressed she still holds the record for most AIDS DICKS sucked in a single day (4,789). I think my favorite part of her impressive record is that she did it for half a mallow cup that was found inside a piece of cat shit.

Your father who you have never met was a wise man. He knew any seed he spilled would grow into something abominable so he ran away from you. He changed his identity. He changed his sex. He moved to Africa and become a prostitute servicing Somali pirates. All this to try and escape the fact that he had brought you into this world. Alas it became too much and he finally did the only respectable thing a person in his situation could do which was to plan the 9/11 attacks. He was so engulfed in madness and despair by your presence on this earth that he thought that these attacks on America would some how allow him to be remembered for something worse than you.

He was wrong. Nothing can or ever will be worse than you, Heckler in the Balcony 8/19/2010 at Hilarities 4th Street Theater.

You know what you need to do. Be brave and make us proud.

Signed

Bill Squire and everyone that has ever been.

P.S. this letter also applies to you LeBron

from Bill Squire's Website