Every day I open the paper there are stories that remind me that humans, on a whole, have the greatest propensity to inflict harm than any other creature on the planet. Just when I think that it just can’t get any worse, the old human spirit rises to the occasion and shows me that we are far from the finish line in absolute destruction and violence. The cynic in me resigns myself to these inevitabilities on a daily basis. However, just when I think that we are on a speeding train with no brakes, a single voice breaks out of the gloom with a message of hope. A person emerges, shining like a beacon, to lead us all to salvation. I am the farthest thing from a religious man (Baker being in the lead), but I now believe that I have a higher calling to follow. I now believe that there is one divine person who will show me the way. That person is Tom Cruise and the calling is Scientology.

I know what you think. Scientology is a ruse, run and preached by a bunch of Hollywood nut jobs, based on a mediocre science fiction book written by an even bigger nut job; L.Ron Hubbard. I thought the same thing, until I saw Tom on his latest Scientology video. Like a modern day Moses, albeit with better teeth and a shit-load of money, he spoke of miracles that only Scientology can achieve. The kind of world peace that he promises is a Utopia…all based on Scientology’s benevolent teachings. Sit back, open your mind and let Tom Cruise bring you over.

I know that Tom is here to help us all, because that is basically what he said…over and over. This dire need to help, in all its deliberate vagueness, is the obvious core of The Scientology dogma. There was no need for Tom to be specific…after all he wants to help. And he is “stoked” by this need! From world peace to a new world order where “SP’s” or “Suppressive Persons” , those unenlightened throngs that either shun Scientology or mock it, will be a thing of the past…taught only in history class. That would of course be a Scientology history class…after all this is really their planet and we are merely squatters.

One of the ways Tom says he is trying to help us all is by living his life through “KSW” or “Keeping Scientology Working”. This, he says, is how he wakes up, how he plans his day and the last things he thinks before bed at night as he nestles the L. Ron Hubbard plush doll he sleeps with. He has a big laugh, though, when posed the question of whether he has ever encountered a dreaded “SP”. He looks right into the camera and with that “Tom Cruise Look” says very pointedly that “no one dares talk to me about that, to my face or in my direct circle.” You better believe they don’t…he’s Tom Fucking Cruise for Hubbard’s sake! Tom also lets us know that if you were driving and witnessed a car accident, only a Scientologist could really help. It is a proven fact that in dire emergencies, Scientology actually gives you strength 100 times greater than a normal man. Suffice it to say, if you were pinned under your car, a Scientologist could easily lift the shattered wreckage off of you.

Another interesting fact is that only through Scientology can there ever be world piece. Tom realizes that it is a daunting task, but because he travels the globe disguised as an international movie star, he has gotten the opportunity to discuss world peace through Scientology to many world leaders. When they realize that it would only take complete acceptance of a religion born and bred out of Hollywood, California to show them the new world order, then peace will finally reign.

As beautiful and tranquil as Tom makes it seem, I was not without my doubts. After all, it is hard to shake the trappings and barriers of being a former “SP” over night. If what Tom says is true, then everything he does is merely a vessel to carry the message of Scientology to the masses. Therefore, you would have to look at his body of films as propaganda for the Scientology movement. When you look at some of them you can definitely see a clear message. From his films like Mission Impossible 1-3 you see the importance of fighting evil. Born On the Fourth of July shows us man’s struggle to achieve even after being crippled by doubt both physically and mentally. A Few Good Men can give us a modern day Scientology David verse Goliath story. Even dating back to his earlier days, Legend is simply the struggle between man and evil. However, there are a few films that are a bit murky in their message. What do we take from The Outsiders? Joining a group of like minded people often results in violence and one of the members being burned to death? Top Gun really only shows us that if you drink enough, you can butcher a song rendering it un-listenable forever, all in the hopes of nailing a girl. And of course there is Risky Business, where after you recruit like minded people into your organization, you can make a fortune prostituting them.

These doubts festered in me for a while, threatening to shake loose my fragile grip on the true magic of Scientology. Then, just as my delicate grasp of reality was wavering, I had an vision. This vision was of the prophet Tom Cruise. He was dressed in gossamer robes, an angelic light bathed him. Then that image faded and I saw him jumping like a lunatic on Oprah’s couch, babbling incoherently about love, then he was ranting against Matt Laurer about psychology and how he knew better. I then realized that Tom Cruise was not the messiah I had been hoping for. He was revealed to be what he truly is…

a whack job who has let an insane organization turn him into the King of The Whack Jobs! The only reason he ever gets even a minute of air time for these insane rabts of his is because he is famous. Do we really believe that the leaders of the Scientology movement would let him speak on camera if he weren’t Tom Cruise. The scary part is, he is using that celebrity status to wreak havoc on the delicate psyches of people. Make no mistake; there are hundreds of people who now follow this cabal of morons merely because Tom Cruise told them to.

Even scarier is that Tom isn’t a dummy. He has figured this all out and become a master at it. He makes Jim Jones and David Koresh look like carnival barkers peddling snake oil. The most dangerous part is he is in it for the long haul He will never tell his followers to barricade themselves in a compound until they perish in a fireball of insanity or guide them to the Kool Aid barrel for a big gulp. No, he is bidding his time, because he knows that he has the money and the power to be in it for the long haul. With everyone of his movies he moves closer to his goals.

There is a great line in “The Devils Advocate” where Al Pacino asks “do you really think the devil would show up wearing horns and holding a pitch fork. Everyone would expect that. No, he would look just like you.”

Or better yet, he would be smart, handsome and famous; what a majority of people want to be. That’s how he would get us.

That’s right….Tom Cruise is the devil.

I am going out and getting my “SP Forever” tattoo tomorrow.

Before you chalk this up to my usual gruff exaggeration, let me give you some examples of their driving acumen and then you can decide. Remember, these are all true.

Moron Number One started out well enough, going just under the speed limit to be safe, but then lost his mind when he saw a snow plow coming in the opposite direction. He stopped on Mayfield Road, in the middle, waited for the plow to pass, then made a huge u-turn to follow it. I can only imagine that his rational was that it would be safer to follow a snow plow.

Moron Number Two stands out because of the glacial speed she was attempting while alternating between our lane and that of oncoming traffic to avoid the drifts that had piled up on the road. What most driving schools fail to mention is that these drifts are as dangerous to cars as that iceberg was to the titanic. Thank goodness she was able to navigate between them and get home safely.

Moron Number Three stands out because he took it upon himself to save everyone from the dangers of Murray Hill. The road crew that has Murray Hill on their route is woefully misinformed regarding the conditions of this hill. Even though it contained the only stretch of visible asphalt in a complete white out, they were obviously trying to lull us into a false sense of safety where we would foolishly believe the road was clear and proceed to careen down Little Italy, plowing into any number of restaurants filled with shoppers enjoying a late lunch of calamari. To insure this disaster did not happen, he sat idle for ten minutes, pondering the safety of further movement, until a cop assured him that he had better get his ass, and his car, in gear.

For the rest, those of you in your eco friendly cars that are probably best suited for the tofu lane in a more gentile environment, spinning from lane to lane like a giant dolphin safe pinball. The testosterone fueled plow equipped rust buckets that shot out of driveways into traffic like a sniper, your caffeine laced blood telling you that it is alright to push moguls onto the street, blocking up traffic, to clear driveways for people who have no intention of actually venturing out of their homes. To those pretentious lot who really believe because the SUV you bought actually can drive like it does in the commercials with you behind the wheel. Whose egos have convinced them that a Hummer must have the magic ability of Santa’s reindeer to navigate the blizzard, after all, like…losers don’t drive Hummers…duh! And to the rest, do us all a favor, stock your panties, TiVo a weeks worth of “must see T.V.” and when the weather report call for heavy snow…stay home! Don’t worry, the rest of us will check on you from time to time. You’ll be fine and we can get where we need to be.

Remember…salt is a killer on your Hummer’s bitchin’ rims.

Gather any number of comics together and you will hear more whining than a caucus of divorced yentas at a coffee clatch in any suburban home. We are all underpaid, over worked, no one appreciates our talent, we can’t get any work, the club managers are all against us and on and on and on. You begin to wonder why anyone would voluntarily enter this line of entertainment. Why would you subject yourself to something so monstrous that it sucks every bit of joy out of your life? Most importantly, how could an entire group of people make the same mistake?

Because we can.

What we fail to realize is; being a comic is not something that every one can do. By this I mean, the ability to create what we think is funny, stand on a bare stage with only a mic and stand as cover and deliver our material to a group of people that, without any real desire or ability beyond sitting there, can cast judgment on our work. We then gauge our talent and ability by the reaction we receive from an audience that is only a small percentage of the population and decide whether we keep or throw away what we have created based on that reaction.

Very few art forms are created this way. Painters have the luxury of stepping away from their art, looking at it from various angles, changing and refining the image until they are convinced that it is ready. The audience never sees this process, just the finished product. In film, they will do take after take before they get the right read. Then they can refine it even more in the editing bay. Even after all this, a test audience is sometimes brought in to determine sequences. They can test their art on a few, tweak where needed and then send it out to the masses. Even with all the buffering, there is no guarantee that the finished product will be well received by the audience. It can even be a detriment as these crutches take away the need for real talent, when so many gimmicks can give a piece of shit the appearance of real art.

For us, the path to acceptance is much shorter and much harsher. Yet we do it. But we can’t get marred down in the quagmire of self pity and senseless whining. It isn’t always fair, but no one said it would be. However, they never said we got a pass when it came to hard work either. This art, as with any art, is time consuming. As with any passion it must be fed and fed constantly. A part time commitment will not allow a full time result. It isn’t an even trade between time and return. More often than not, it requires ten times more input than you will receive back. It’s the time that we do receive back, though, that makes all the work seem trivial. There is that moment of sheer bliss, when everything falls into place, the words come to you in flawless detail and the audience erupts in a cacophony of laughter that tells you everything you worked for has suddenly been worth it.

What we have to realize is that not every one can do what we do. They either don’t have the talent or the ability. There are also the few who can do it, but realize the toll it takes is something they will never be able to pay. This is the part of the equation that we do not see. It is this fierce demand made by the art form of our choosing that makes us what we are. When we complain about the injustices of it, we are really damning the very thing that sets us apart from the ones who never venture into our world. When we overcome these obstacles, they become the very virtues by which we hold ourselves. It isn’t easy, if it was every one could do it. If that was the case, what would we be? The very fact that the median we have chosen to express ourselves is that difficult to begin, much less master, makes us unique. It is not something to whine about when we get together with our peers.

The audience, they will never understand it because they are the recipients of our work. They are what we allow them to be for the 10 minutes, 20 minutes or hour that we are on stage. It’s a battle and it is us against them. In no other art from is there this combative relationship like there is in comedy. We “slay” and audience or “kill” them. We never surrender to them. We need them, but they are not our friends when we are on stage. We have one purpose and that is to win. So don’t look for approval from them. They cannot dictate what your art should or will be. Have strength in your convictions and put it to them so that they have no alternative but to give you the reaction you desire. It is a win or lose scenario. Just remember, the reason they are there, is because they can’t be where you are. They are a direct result of a realization that you have something that they do not.

The next time you are at The Borderline, or the Improv or Hilarities. Look at the people we have in this community of ours. You will see all the pain and joy of what we do in their faces. You will see the questions and the answers in their expression.

Why do we do it?

Because.