Having said that, I'll chime in. No matter what happens to me, I am always looking for the humor, and thinking...how can I make this funny. When I had my accident, I was sitting facing oncoming traffic, pinned up against the barrier wall after I hit it, on the xway and thinking wow nobody hit me...and THEN thinking, ok so how can I make this funny??

Today, I had an experience that had my comedy brain waves firing in overdrive. I had to have an ultra sound, I'll spare most of the details but...of the internal female anatomy. Now I know you guys probably know nothing of this, but, well...the probe...(yes she said probe) they use resembles another female object of great desire, (yes boys, we really DON"T need you) to get a "picture" of all the stuff. She told me I have nice ovaries, that made me happy. But more importantly I’m thinking, "how can I make this funny". Well it was all right there, I have nice ovaries, and they put a condom on the device, thank goodness I was protected.

So here's my quandary, even though I think the whole concept is hysterical, (a condom on a dildo object used to outline female parts) there are several reasons I can't really use this onstage.

1. As pointed out, men don't want to hear jokes about female anatomy, even though the common dick joke is always accepted.

2. Men in particular always think female comics only talk about "female stuff", (which isn't true but that's what they think) so I have to stay away from those subjects in order to not be considered, "just another female with her PMS problems"

3. People in general get squirmy and squeamish when a female makes fun of "female things"

4. Being totally open and honest onstage, quite often backfires.

5. Women aren't supposed to talk dirty, unless they’re Sarah Silverman.

I could go on and on. Bottom line is, life experiences are all around us, most of them are funny and even if they aren't...with a little tweaking they can be. There really is nothing new in comedy, all the subjects have been covered. All the topics fully explored. It is up to each of us to put our own spin on things. Which has been done but usually in the tired old way…my husband is a slob, my wife is a bitch etc.

The differences between the sexes has been way over done. There is almost no new way to twist that subject anymore. So this leads to ask, what the hell are we supposed to talk about anyway??

They say, talk about what you know, ok I know…being a wife, being a mother, being a hairdresser, being a comedian, a sister, a daughter. I know how to paint a room, wallpaper and de-wallpaper it, shingle a roof, lay bricks, mix cement, dig up the yard, build a flowerbed. Nail a 2x4, turn a screw, build a dog house lalalalalaaaalalaaaalaaaaaaaaaa.

So does this mean to maybe cross gender the topics? Which has been done too, but I think never gets “tired”. Talk about them in the “female perspective” sense? Talk about them as if I know what I’m doing? Or take the opposite approach and make believe I don’t really know what I’m doing but I do it anyway? Just talk about how the experience went and why it was a funny one?

I guess I really don’t know, and I’m trying to find the answers. I know when I tell stories to friends, family or clients they laugh. I have a knack for making a story funny. Do I do that on stage? Not really, not like I’d like to, I have a fear of just getting up there and telling stories like I do every day. I always feel I have to make it into a “joke”. Is that right or wrong…who knows.

I DO know, the comedian that does get up there and just make a funny story come to life are the ones that are really successful today. They are the ones the everyday average Joe/Josephine relates to and laughs at/with.

All this rambling comes down to is, there is so much in my life that I have not PUT on stage because I’ve taken the safe route, and my goal is to come away from the safety zone and be more “real”.

We all struggle to find our voice. They say it takes years, and I never understood that, I never could believe it would take that long…but guess what, it does. They say, what makes YOU laugh…talk about that. Ok, EVERYthing makes me laugh…boy I better get busy!!

You write, you perform, you live…breathe and eat comedy. She will either support you or have you killed. How many “comedians” have committed suicide? Either by their own hand directly or indirectly by the vices they choose. It’s hard enough with your own demons, those that haunt you day and night…”Oh! That will make a great joke! Or THAT one will or that one”. You spend your days searching every little thing that happens to you and trying to “find the funny”.

You have some modicum of success. People around you laugh, you think ok, I can hit the stage with this. Then you do…it works! They applaud! They laugh! You’re on a roll. Then…some days are good, some not so good, you work your tush off, driving ungodly miles just to work on a stage for a few minutes. It’s starting to pay off. Now you’re getting asked to perform, you work your way up.

First 3 minutes, then 5 then 7 and 10…now you are on a roll and moving up by 5 minute increments. Hallelujah you’ve hit 25 minutes of (what you believe is) killer material, or at least maiming mutilization…now you’re getting paid to do what you love.

You have to promote yourself, you get a good tape together, you send it to all the bookers you can get your “hands” on. You wait, you call, you email…hoping for a response from one, two, three or more. Slowly gigs start rolling in, your calendar starts to fill in, then suddenly…no more calls, no more emails, the gigs start falling fewer and farther between.

You think…what happened? I’m funny! Everyone says so! I get lots of laughs, the audience loves me, they even bought my t-shirts. You wrack your brain trying to figure out why a certain booker won’t book you, or why you’re not getting the shows you want or ask for anymore.

And maybe…just maybe one day you find out why. That off hand remark, nasty comment, dig or put down you made about said booker, or another comedian, maybe you did something that you THOUGHT was funny at the time but was a very mean and demeaning thing to do to another fellow comedian.

Now…it’s come back to haunt you. Call it Karma, call it fate, call it revenge…but whatever it was, you are screwed now, and are being black balled because of it.

My advice to each and every one of us is, be careful what you say or do to ANY one even remotely involved in the comedy business as it may be to your detriment. You might be the funniest son of a bitch out there…but if you’re not nice, kind and helpful to one of your peers…you may find yourself in a very sorry situation. Wondering why you can’t get anywhere. Like yo momma always said, if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.

AND…be careful who you step on, on the way up the ladder, they will be there on your way down. And chances are, they won’t catch you when you fall.

Why then, does it seem to matter?

I am a middle aged woman, not by choice...I just happen to be on this earth longer. I am a relatively skinny woman, part genetics, part I watch what I eat. I am a somewhat attractive woman, because I got lucky...so, how come, even though I've been told, scolded and shaken...that it really doesn't matter if I'm a woman, or if I'm older, or if I look kind of nice. Comedy isn't about gender, it isn't about looks, it's about being funny. Ok so I got that part. I'm funny, I know that...I can take a room full of everyday average people and make them laugh and clap and cheer. I've done it many many many times. I've been paid to do it. I've been a finalist in a few competions and won a few more.

I have people come up to me after a show...and say, "you were really funny!" or "you were the best one (of the group)." or "your timing is phenomenol." etc. whatver.

Granted there have been times when many in the audience have avoided my glance, or mumbled the perfunctory, "good job." But those times are fewer and fewer now. So here is my question:

Why is it that, some young hard assed punk wanna be rapper, can get on stage and talk about licking his girlfriend's pussy, and f'ing a fat chick and finding a twinkie in her fat folds, and licking her a**, and shaving his genitals but not his a**, can talk about his mother's friend sitting right there, calling her 'blow job Tina', she only charges a dollar and a half a minute, and she's really good (and he's barely drinking age, or not)..............................but I can't say, I started "shaving down there" because it elicits ews and boos from a crowd made up of well...see above.

I realize this is a case of, "it was the audience's fault, not mine". But it still rankles me that I'm censored/censured because of who I am, but the same "rules" don't hold true for, male comedians, or YOUNG male comedians. Being female...and being older DOES matter.

I've done a lot of open mics and a lot of bar/hell gigs, without them, I wouldn't be where I am today. So it's not that I'm complaining about tonight's um fiasco, which by the way was witnessed by our own PD favorite, Mike McIntyre, (forgive me Mike, come see my real show) I'm just saying...what's good for the goose, is good for the gander. And for you young punks that don't know what that means...google it.